The One Where Kevin Gets an Award

LA JOLLA, California (Reuters) – Itstheleague.com’s Fantasy Basketball League officially kicked off the beginning of the basketball portion of its epic sports competition by holding its draft. One half of the league’s members congregated in an apartment in La Jolla, California. Residents of La Jolla were happy for the positive publicity that this event brought its town. The last time the residents of La Jolla were in the news was when Scott Peterson* (pictured), convicted wife-killer and baby murderer, was arrested in the parking lot of Torrey Pines.




* Author’s Note: I still hold to my contention that my twin brother, Steven (pictured), looks like Scott Peterson. Steven is pictured here with his wife. Scott Peterson had a wife too. Mere Coincidence? I think not.





There were several protesters (pictured) present for the arrival of Matt Reyes, alleged Del Taco food-poisoner. Police officers decided to allow Matt to dress in his choice of attire (for those of you who were present, Matt wore a blue shirt, jeans, and a delicious mid-night black pinstriped jacket). However, Matt still had one more protester to face before the night would end…but she decided to protest a little bit differently. More on that later.




The draft was amazing. Truly awesome. The trash talking. Everything about it. I’m not going to do a round by round analysis. That has already been done (see Thunder’s Thoughts). Instead, this article will discuss the more memorable moments of the draft.





The residents of La Jolla truly went all out for the draft. The draft night was filled with tortilla chips, warm nacho cheese (Tostitos of course), dry roasted peanuts? (hey, it is better than nothing) and lots of trash talk. What did the upper-echelon team owners wear? Jeff, Matt Reyes, and Daniel sported suits as a sign of respect for the fantasy league (similar to why you dress up for a wedding). Not to be outdone, Michael, Matt Nichols, and Cody sported basketball jerseys which was also entirely appropriate.






Those not present at the draft included a sick Trent Bridges (Commissioners, is there an injured line or wire for injured team owners?), a dating Trent Knapp (I’ll come back to this later, believe me), and an East Coast Kevin. I have no information on the whereabouts of Rojas, ‘Fredo, or Burns. In fact, the government probably won’t let us discuss the current whereabouts of Rojas. It’s probably top secret. In fact, Rojas, if I were you, I’d say you were overseas and someone else drafted your team. This would explain several moves on your part (ie. Gasol?).






The first moment that jumps out over last night’s events began with Cody taking LeBron James. Sources say Trent’s groan of agony was heard all the down in San Diego and as far east as Arizona. This pick rattled those team owners who would be drafting second and third as it appeared all but certain that Cody would take Marion (you needn’t look further for more proof than the shirt on Cody’s back—which on draft night bore the name “Marion”). It was interesting.






And who could forget this amazing gem of goodness:

[19:01] LilBigBoy5: tight
[19:01] LilBigBoy5: matt, then jeff (1 minute)
[19:01] LilBigBoy5: and yes, i'm a pain in the ass
[19:01] Revolution18704: i reserve to trade jeff one of my minutes
[19:01] LilBigBoy5: i just bend over, a lot
[19:01] LilBigBoy5: wait...er..whatever

Wow. Halfway through the night I thought to myself. Man, what am I going to write about in this…and then WHAM! This gem falls in my lap. My only concern with saying anything about this is speaks for itself perfectly. My only question is, Harvard's in Boston, right? I mean, I could understand if he bent over in San Francisco and feeling pain in his rear, but in Boston? Must be more rainbows there than I thought.

However, with this quote, Kevin Reyes has earned the very first Boyd’s Beat award. What medals? How can I win a medal you ask? Well sure. I will explain the way this works before I pin Kevin with his medal. Ahem. For unique situations that occur throughout the season at various times (nothing set), I will award different medals for different types of behavior. Sometimes, a player on your team could get the award (already this season’s frontrunner is Stephen Jackson). Also, a team owner would qualify for an award if he engaged in a stupid trade, didn’t set his lineup, or various other things. Oh and rest assured, you’re behavior inside and outside the fantasy realm can earn you an award.

So without further ado. The very first Boyd’s Beat medal goes to Kevin Reyes for his comment, “and yes, i’m a pain in the ass.” Kevin I call this Boyd’s Beat Pain in the Ass Medal.



Yes. That is what it appears. Amazing huh? Yeah.

On an unrelated note, sources in Riverside have confirmed that Trent Knapp, owner of The Big Knasty was spotted Saturday night attending an evening ballet after leaving the draft early. Sources close to Mr. Knapp confirmed that the reason for his early departure was so that he could see the second act of the ballet. Fellow members in the audience confirmed that a with a tear in his eye, Mr. Knapp made the following comments at the conclusion of the performance, “My favorite part are the costumes. But there wasn’t enough pink in them for my taste.”





It was probably the refreshments that Matt and I partook of later on in the evening after the draft, but I had a strange dream Saturday night after the draft. We (all the team owners) were all out on the beach walking along. And every two or three minutes we would all circle up and pick names out of a hat. The catch was we were drafting for the 2007-2008 season. I was very confused by this. Interestingly enough, Kevin still picked Shaq. It was truly bizarre. Any psych majors out there care to interpret that dream?





Prior to leaving for the night, Matthew Reyes decided to step outside to see if the protesters were still there. The ones with the signs had already left. But one more was still there. Across the way from him, a protester began to remove her clothes in order to protest Matt's presence in her community. If you recall, Matthew has been charged by the Riverside County District Attorney's office for attempted murder and aggravated assault which stem from an incident at Del Taco.





So the neighbor across the way began to put on a show for Matt. We're not sure if it was the excitement in the air (it was Fantasy Basketball Draft Night), if it was the glass of wine in her hand, or even if it was the midnight black pinstripe suit jacket that Matt had on, but she put on a show for Matt he will never forget. She walked the whoe strut for Matt if you catch my drift. Apparently there is a new craze where people protest nude? It started in London with a nude bike ride which has been adopted in other areas as well. I know what you are thinking, how you can protest by removing your clothes? Don't worry, the Supreme Court has already held that nudity is okay as long as it's not obscene. And, it is a form of free speech.






In all seriousness, this actually happened. The girl was quite decent, and we were all stunned. Take the girl in the picture, give her blond hair, remove those censored spots, turn her around, bend her over. That's how she protested. I guess she wanted dto show Matt that she thought he was an ass. Trent Bridges, you pissed off you didn't come down yet?






In closing, my name is Carlos Delgado. ‘Nuff said. (It was weird watching Sportscenter tonight and hearing the name Carlos Delgado and not have it followed with an expletive).

Next time: What celebrities do the team owners look like? The staff here at Boyd’s Beat will have the results for you as well as all the news that’s whispered about but never put in print. How 'bout a little sneak preview? You got it.