The One Where Nichols Wakes From A Coma

Malibu, CA (AP) - An update on things off the court...and well in the courtroom. Due to Grover Trask joining the firm Best, Best, and Krieger, Matthew Reyes's attorney, George Reyes, may not be able to serve as his attorney. This is because it may create a conflict of interest for Mr. Trask and Mr. Reyes to work for the same firm. In order for this to happen, Mr. Trask would have to challenge George Reyes as Matthew Reyes's attorney. This has not happened yet, so as for now George Reyes is still the defendant's counsel. Matthew Reyes is facing charges of assault and battery for the poisoning of Lightning Jeff, owner of the Lightning Jeffs. He's pictured here in with victim Jeffrey Boyd (photo clearly taken before the incident).

Doctors at UCLA Medical Center have reported that Jeff has recovered mostly from his injuries. He still had a lingering cough which could prove troublesome if he is forced to represent himself at the U.S. Supreme Court if he loses at the 9th Circuit level.

Other doctors are skeptical that Lightning Jeff does have a lingering cough. If Mr. Boyd was in such poor shape, it sure did not seem to effect his singing.

Doctors point out that if Jeff still has a cough, it is probably because he is not taking care of himself. Mr. Boyd was also spotted the next night frolicking around listening to Tiffany sing "I think we're alone now" and leading the boos against Kevin Federline at the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival. Co-commish Danielson has stated that Jeff's absence from opening night to attend these activities was acceptable. Danielson had this to say:

"Generally we require all team owners to be present on opening night. However there was good reason for Jeff to be absent. This league feels strongly about two things: Basketball without Borders and booing Kevin Federline. I'm glad Mr. Boyd took the time from his busy life to serve the community in the capacity that he did."

Rumors have it that Matthew Reyes may be transferred to Malibu to meet with Lightning Jeff about the possibility of a settlement. Grover Trask reported that, "the possibility of a settlement is still on the table. What we are asking for is an apology, six months of probation, and one or two karaoke songs to be named later." If Matt agrees to the settlement, he could begin serving his sentence, the singing of the karaoke songs as soon as Saturday night at the Gaslite in Santa Monica.

Mr. Trask continued, "After discussing the crime and damages that the victim has suffered, my office is thinking something along the lines of New Kids on the Block, Hangin' Tough. For an encore, any selection from Boys 2 Men or one of the boy bands would do nicely."

For those of you unfamiliar with karaoke, a recent search revealed a wikipedia entry which had this to say:

Some people still regard it as "hokey" and simply a method for the intoxicated to embarrass themselves, but as the novelty has worn off and the available selection of music has exploded, more and more people within the industry see it as a very profitable form of lounge and nightclub entertainment. It is not uncommon for some bars to have karaoke performances seven nights a week, commonly with much more high-end sound equipment than the small, standalone machines noted above.

Matt will be without counsel this weekend if visit to Malibu is approved by correctional authorities.

More news out of the district attorney's office today as Grover Trask announced in a subsequent press conference that Mr. Trent Knapp, a twenty-year old resident of Moreno Valley, is being investigated for pedophilia charges stemming from a prom date. The allegations are that Mr. Knapp took a fourteen-year old to prom when he was eighteen-years old.


Our investigators were able to uncover this picture of Trent Knapp and the accuser. Note: the accused's face has been censored to protect her identity as she is a minor. Note: Trent's hand and crotch have been censored to preserve the innocence of our younger readers (if you don't know what this means, think Pee Wee Herman)

When asked about the truth of the allegations, Mr. Knapp, owner of "The Big Knasty," had this to say: she was hot and down for the pound... what man in his right mind would pass it up?

The ghost of Johnny Cochran then appeared and whispered into Trent's ear. "Don't say anything else if you want me to get you off like I got O.J. off." After asked again whether he took a fourteen year old to prom he responded, "uhhh...she was fifteen." He then added, "but she told me she was twenty-six." When asked why he would do this to someone so young, so innocent, Trent said, "I was just looking for a quick fix." You heard it here first folks, lock your doors and keep your little ones--inside.

As mentioned earlier, Daniel Thomson's legal team has not yet stated whether or not they will be appealing U.S. District Judge Hatter's decision to strip him of the adjective "thunder." Sources close to Big D say that he was visibly upset with the judge's ruling. Andy Thomson said, "He is quite upset with the inability to play his favorite Thunder song at home games anymore and has promised to overturn this great injustice. " He also added, "I've never seen him cry this much."

It also appears that Matt Nichols has finally come out of his coma. Doctors were glad that he is gaining back his motor skills. On his first post to the league's message board Matt said, "Jeff is quiet." Doctors at Riverside Community hospital were stunned with his progress. "We've never seen someone this braindead come back and be able to form a coherent sentence." Reporters were quick to point out that the sentence did not have a period (something we all learn in early elementary school) and the doctor quickly retracted his statement.

In his second post to the league, Mr. Nichols had this phenomenal contribution:

ahhh now im cant talk but ya'll know that im commin for u not only in the posts but with the guards as well

Doctors at Riverside Community are unsure as to what this may mean. Trent Bridges, spokesman for Riverside Community, has indicated that the hospital has hired the same ebonics experts that Mark Cuban uses to ascertain what possible meaning this message contains.

Mr. Bridges also indicated that currently the hospital is trying to find Mr. Nichols next of kin as he seems to be quite out of it. The hospital ran his face through records and came up with this match:



Mr. Boyd, owner of the Lightning Jeffs had this to say. "While Johnny Depp is a decent actor and I disagree with him politically, if I lose to that French loving commie, I'll be very upset." Mr. Boyd at the time of publishing is down 3-6 in his matchup against the Tarkatan Warriors.

For those of you curious to know what a Tarkatan is, it is a species of warrior in Mortal Kombat. The Tarkata are an interracial breed of warriors, mixed between a race from Outworld and a race from the Netherrealm. They have ugly faces, spiky jaws, and blades protruding from their bodies.

That's it for now.

UPDATE! Correctional officials have approved for Matt to be transferred up to Malibu for the weekend. Perhaps a settlement is in the works? If it is, rest assured Boyd's Beat will have plenty of pictures and videos of those magical karaoke songs. Remember Mr. Reyes, it's either that, or a trip to Federal-pound you in the ass-penitentiary.