The One Where Daniel's Secret Identity is Revealed

Malibu, CA (Reuters) - The first week of Itstheleague.com is now in the books, and this has left some team owners stunned. Who was left out in the cold this week and why? The Boyd Effect, BAMF's Team, CBUburns, The Big Knasty and the The Champ is Here all sit back scratching their heads with what went wrong wile the Tarkatan Warriors and the Lighting Jeffs still struggle to come to grips with the fact that they just kissed their sisters. Haha...that means Matt Nichols kissed Michael Boyd. And...I may be hauled away to jail for kissing Matt's little sister. Let's hope there are no new stories from the District Attorney's office in the near future.

So why are these people losers? What didn't they have? First off this week was a shortened week. This means the normal amount of games that teams play is different. So, don't panic! Second of all, people are still getting into back into shape. How do I know this? Take Gilbert Arenas, for example, who went for forty-four points after a seven point outing in his first game. Clearly it will take a while for players to get back into gear.

The Boyd Effect has its eyes wide open now in an 8-1 match that felt like a prostate check (and let's just say the doctor had big fingers). The Boyd Effect owner (formerly San Diego Dynasty (formerly Victorious Secret)) first change after the loss was the change of his name. Fans are waiting to see just what type of face lift Michael Boyd has for his team. Will the surgeon use a little Botox to take those ugly turnovers away? How about a little collagen in the 3PT or Rebound category. Fantasy expert (note term "expert used loosely) Matt Reyes preaches form the school of thought that owners should possess a certain degree of player loyalty. That said, Matt's wishes would probably be to not rush to the operating room yet. However, rumors have that Michael Boyd already has the scalpel in his hand and the team on the operating table. Talk amongst the San Diego arena (which is shared with the DreamTeamPartDeux) is that the team is about to undergo some changes as evidenced by the meetings between Michael Boyd and Brandon Burns, team owner of CBUburns, witnessed by key team personnel. If these rumors are true, that Allen Iverson is on the table, the makeover Michael has planned for the team will be anything but cosmetic. Let's hope Michael's sake that he's a better doctor than his brother Dr. Feelgood is (note picture of Dr. Feelgood at top of page on right...or on Jeff's myspace).

BAMF's Team was a bit closer than The Boyd Effect to drinking from the sweet chalice of victory. Give free throw percentage a little bump and throw in two extra assists, and this match becomes a much more respectable 5-4. Unfortunately, that did not happen. And this reporter predicts, it won't happen next week or the week after. Why? Three syllables--In-volve-ment. After looking at what took place Monday night with the lineup, one begins to wonder how involved is this team owner? Always controversial and never quiet owner Mark Cuban, who owns a small team called the Dallas Mavericks in an Itstheleague.com development league, has fans rounding around him because he is involved with the team. He gets fans excited because he cares about the team. When a coach fails to set the team lineup and leaves so much potential, so many stats on the bench, a team owner has to take action. But what action Alfredo Ramos takes is yet to be seen. Monday night the coach left Chauncey Billups, Jason Richardson, and Ben Wallace on the bench. Alfredo, why make it any tougher on your team? Serious stats (2 3s, 38 points, 19 rebounds, 10 assists, 6 steals, and five blocks). Did you really want to save seven TO's? If BAMF's Team loses any of these categories by these margins, the coach should be sacked. Step up Alfredo. Even if he threatens to go Bobbby Knight on you, sack him. And besides, your relationship cannot be any worse than Don Nelson and Mark Cuban.

The Big Knasty's 6-3 loss looks alot better on paper. Trent had a strong team and Mr. Knapp should be proud of his first effort out of the gate. As already mentioned, this was a shortened week and the 2 DNP's by your first round draft pick did not help. The advice of esteemed philosopher (note term "esteemed" used loosely) Matthew S. Reyes would be applicable here: sit tight. It is like you are the Lakers. Even two games down without your main man, you still found a way to make your opponent work for the W. Once Kobe hits his rhythm, The Big Knasty will be sitting quite nicely.

Fortunately for Trent, he may have lots of time to sit tight and be patient. As was already reported, the District Attorney's investigation continues into allegations that Trent Knapp robbed the cradle at a little too old of an age. As a fantasy owner and fan of Itstheleague.com baseketball I always like to see owners get involved, but Trent, you take it the next level by being the only owner to have a mug shot like his player. Pictured here are Kobe Bryant and Trent Knapp posing for the Jailhouse photo spread. (Note apparently the LA Jail is not as plush as the Riverside jail. I don't think fans will appreciate the lush celebrity treatment Knappster is getting for jail).

And another thing, if Trent has any desires to see the light of day over the next few years, and doesn't want to be a sexual predator in a jail (ask Matt Reyes what happens in pound me in the ass penile colony), then he should ditch his nickname. Why? If I'm a prosecutor here's my opening line, "What were the defendant's intentions with the fourteen year old victim? He wanted to kidKNAPP her." Your PR guy's first move should be to change the last name. Second reason for the name change, the Napster case went all the way to the Supreme Court and lost. Shows what happens when you have a cool name and alot of teenagers on your side. So if you end up at the Supreme Court with Knappster and lots of teenagers to support your innocence? Guess what...it doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that 14 plus 18 equals guilty.

Investigators for ESPN have also uncovered the disturbing photo below. It is unknown at this point what exactly Mr. Knapp is doing. Experts guess that he is either showing off for the camera or practicing his wicked, sick, perverted ways. All that is known for sure, it doesn't take a lawyer to guess how this will play out in front of a jury. PR guy's second move--stop you from doing stuff like this.

The Champ is Here is...well...isn't. He tripped out of the gate the first week and things just keep getting worse for him. It was a solid 5-4 win for Rojas. And news on Monday is that Brad Miller, starting center for the team, will be out four weeks with a foot injury. Doctors say it is a torn plantar fascia. Just where is that? Luckily this column is written by a JD (and yes, the D does stand for Doctor).

Yes, looks like the Plantar fascia is the Achille's heel of this championship team. With two other centers on the team, it will be interesting to see if they are able to step and get things done under the board to save the big shoes that Miller leaves behind.

Tarkatan Warriors and Lightning Jeffs tie. If only the rookie basketball team owner had placed Jason Williams on the IL instead of Andrew Bogut. But fantasy basketball is not played with what ifs. That's what everyone else is left to talk about during the playoffs as they watch the victors play in the non-consolation bracket. Jeffrey Boyd clearly made a dumb move. True Bogut was predicted to be out for three to five weeks, but why not place the guy slated to be out until December onto the IL? Again. No what ifs. As long as Boyd has learned his lesson, the Lightning Jeffs will continue to see another week. Unfortunately for Jeff, it is unlikely his team will walked away with as little damage as they did this week.

UCLA Medical doctors were surprised earlier last week when team owner Matthew Nichols wakened from his coma to apparently taunt his current fantasy basketball opponent. Either that or he wondered why he wasn't at his bedside reading to him. In all honesty the same question for BAMF can be asked here. Where is the team involvement? Fantasy Basketball isn't all about setting lineups and picking up free agents. It isn't about checking stattracker once a night. It's about posting. It's about getting to know the players. We won't expect the level of commitment that Knappster provides to his players (see above mugshot if unclear on what I mean here), but the fans they need you. Stay after the game and sign some autographs. Come down from the owner's box and watch the game courtside. I guarantee you'll love it a whole lot more. So yes Nichols, enjoying kissing Michael, my sister.

As to where you'll have to kiss him that's up to you. I'd stay away from his rear because he doesn't have any pants on after the 8-1 prostate check Matthew Reyes gave him. For Matt's sake, let's hope he had a latex glove on. Yes, I have not given out another award in a while. Michael your pants are not only off your butt, they are most certainly not around your ankles. Instead they're on the flagpole. So Michael, here's your Salute Your Shorts Award.

And finally, I was gazing at Daniel Thomson's picture today, much as I gaze at Kevin Federline's picture. And it hit me. Daniel and K-Fed are the same person! Think about it. You never see them in the same place. When I saw Kevin Federline on Tuesday night, Daniel Thomson wasn't there. It makes perfect sense. Daniel can never make poker whenever K-Fed performs. I confronted Daniel with this information.

First Daniel played dumb:

k-fed bancorp, if i'm not mistaken, is a federally chartered stock corporation, formed in July 2003. I'm not too familiar with it, i'm embarassed to say. i'm not really involved in the stock market

Then he tried to play it off by insulting him:

kevin federline, in my opinion, has more white trash in him than an illinois dumpster. he's the reason trailor parks have gates. one of the few people in the world capable of making an aspiring wigger like me want to act white.

Then it became personal. "Actually," Daniel said, "i'm bitter that he took that woman i loved, the one that sang and performed the timeless classic "toxic" and turned her into the woman she is today."

I know it's hard to believe guys. But think about it. Thunder Dan....shorten it up...T-Dan....Kevin Federline....shorten it...K-Fed....see where I'm going? I know it's hard to swallow. But think about it, why would Daniel have come out so harsh against K-Fed when I went to boo him last week on Halloween? I felt really bad. I'm sure what I did must have torn him up. And for that T-Fed, I am sorry. Sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

If you still find it hard to believe, look at this...quite possibly the most damning evidence of all...

T-Dan K-Fed
T-FED!

That's it for now. Remember to take care of yourself, and each other. Until next time.