The One Where Santa Butthead Visits

Riverside, CA - (AP) "It's Christmas Time" or so says the song that Lightning Jeffs owner, Jeffrey Boyd sang at his local karaoke bar on his birthday. In honor of this wonderful occasion, a few Itstheleague.com members used to gather together around a small television and watch a fabulous Christmas story that embodied the wonderful story that is Christmas--Beavis & Butthead Do Christmas. And again, under the new Itstheleague.com and Youtube agreement, this hallowed tradition is hoted on youtube here (the link has since been taken down...something about a copyright complaint lodged by Viacom).

How does Itstheleague.com celebrate the holidays? This reporter has the inside scoop on how each team owner has chosen to get into the festive holiday spirit. These guys may be team owners of the most exciting sport in the United States, but they are just regular people, putting their pants on one leg at a time.

So other than a visit from Santa Butthead, what other holiday traditions do the team owners partake in? Well, just like 68% of all families, each team owner sends a Christmas card not only to the front office staff, but also to the players, their families, and even most of the other owners (I say most because Shoot da J Bitch and Knoxville Knights owners have each been crossed off each other's Christmas lists after a heated exchange of words earlier this season). It's a shame these owners can't put aside their differences even in the spirit of the holiday season. Rumors of a brawl brewing at the annual Clippers game between these owners may turn out to be true if this heated tension continues. Rest assured, neither owner will throw a Carmello Anthony pussy punch even if Shoot da J Bitch's owner Trent Bridges does have him on his team.

But enough digression, on to the Christmas Cards. This year, the leaguue is fortunate enough to have two sets of brothers. In keeping with their family connections, both sets of brothers decided to send out a Christmas card that pictured their entire family.

Our first Christmas card is the Boyds. This picture was taken at a golf course in Lake Tahoe.

Sources say that is an authentic pirate hat and matching parrot that Mr. Jeffrey Boyd is wearing. Amongst other accessories, Michael is sporting a leather collar (makes it easier for Michael's current girlfriend to control him) and an eye patch (rumor has it Michael closes one eye to make the girls at UCSD look better).

Next up with the family Christmas cards are the Reyi (plural of Reyes).

This card features the wonderful Atlantis hotel (in the Bahamas) in the background. However, this scenic landmark is overshadowed by several elements in the foreground. First and foremost, DreamTeamPartDeux owner is sporting a nice orange bikini top. Knowing Matt as long as I have, Matt has always wanted one thing--a pair of boobs. And it looks like Santa Butthead finally brought him a pair. Matt is also modeling a yellow hat made out of paper and a bowtie to match his orange top. To top it off, Matt is yelling out his theme for the season.

Kevin Reyes is fashioning a nice pair of Harry Potter glasses (or Austin Powers...it's debateable). But the tape in the middle of the glasses and the quote bubble next to his head seem to indicate that yes, Kevin has a deep urge to be the boy wizard who survived the most famous non-Muggle event--a run in with He-who-must-not-be-named. Also keeping the sun off his head with a nice Holiday cap.

And not to leave themselves out of the Holiday fun, George is sporting a fashionable brown haired wig and Mary Ann sporting a wonderful hat usually only seen on elves.

Also making an appearance on the left is Arnold our wonderful Governator. Why is he there? Surprise! The Reyi (again plural of Reyes) are all coming out this Holiday Season as Republicans!!!! And this is there way of letting all their friends know.

And yes, those rumors circulating that there are pictures of the one day the Reyi clan decked their house at in Bush for President signs are true (pictures to follow during a later Boyd's Beat edition).

And what picture that Kevin is in would be complete without a rainbow. Nice work. Way to get into the festive holiday spirit.

Alright enough with the family clan. How did the other eight itstheleague.com members get into the holiday spirit? Again, some of them sent our Christmas Cards.

Here we have Alfredo Ramos, owner of BAMF's Team. Choosing to send out the picture of his owner profile as his Christmas Card. You know what that says? Not married. No girl would ever allow a Christmas Card to be sent out of you in a jersey. Even if you own the team. That being said. Fredo. Nice work on the facial hair and the tatoo. And having Denzel Washington pose opposite you? Pure genius. Unless this is your way of coming out to the league....should there be a rainbow in this picture too?

This reporter has firsthand knowledge that the stud you see above is no longer on the market. How is that possible you might ask? With that mustache? And the braces on his teeth? But alas, this man's heart now belongs to another. Nevertheless, Daniel Thomson, owner of the Bangladesh Thunder (soon to be renamed to Bangladesh Bobcats (if the injunction sought by the Lightning Jeffs franchise is granted) did get into the holiday spirit by sporting a wonderful Santa hat. Hate to be the bearer of bad news Mr. Thomson, but not only did you lose last week (that'll wipe the smile off your face), but Santa isn't real. Sorry. Does C28 know about your dirty little tobacco habit?

*Shoot da J Bitch's Christmas card has been cropped to comply with FCC regulations.

Trent Bridges, arguably Christmas's number one fan (have you seen his place?), is sporting a nice skyblue binkini top. So if Trent is covered up, why did the photo have to be cropped? How do I put this...facial hair isn't the only thing Trent shaves. (Catch my drift?) Trent's pose in this photo dead serious. Probably because that's the mindset this Itstheleague.com owner has when he approaches his team. They've climbed up in the standings a few notches and are beginning to turn some heads. We'll see what the rest of the season holds for them. One more thing Trent...those sunglasses are so 1980.

Wow Cody. I promise to never ever make fun of you again. Okay, that's a lie. But I promise I won't make fun of you when you are holding a snake. The Rattlesnakes owner sent out a very appropriate card this year. Also, in an AP survey held earlier this year, Cody Schumacher was voted "looks most like Jesus" by Itstheleague.com fans. Apparently, Cody caught wind and decided to take part. But dressing up like him for a holiday that has nothing to do with him? Come on Cody. We all know Christmas is to celebrate Santa (even though he's not real...see above).

Sources close to The Loadmasters team indicate that there was some confusion in the front office when the Christmas Card photos were sent out. Apparently, the photo of Rojas from career day was sent to the printer instead of the Christmas Card photo. It worked out in the end though as the only difference between this photo and the real Christmas Card photo is that Rojas had a sweater on in the latter. Nice work Rojas. But it appears that you are also missing some ladies in your photo as well. Maybe if you've been good this year, Santa Butthead will bring some to you for Christmas.

Some days the news is slow. Reporters and investigators have to run around and shake some trees to find newsworthy material. Then other times, amazing material just falls in your lap. Like this picture for instance.

This was Matt Nichols Christmas Card. Apparently, his front office staff had the same problem Rojas's team did. Rumor has it Nichols is attempting to portray Kid Rock (pre-divorce from Pamela as he's still got that collar on...she's into grabbing it and pulling him around...all that bondage....apparently that's what happens after you film your own porn...you have to look to other things to spice up the day to day sex). I will say this, Nichols nice work on the chest hair. Really man. Not many people can pull that off. But on you it looks quite well groomed. But the peace sign? Come on. Kid Rock is a huge fan of the Iraq War (and of all wars in general). He wouldn't be caught dead with that on.

In a story hitting streets tomorrow, it appears that male model and itstheleague.com team owner Brandon Burns's contract with C28 has been terminated by the latter. C28 representatives have informed AP News that that Burns' behavior (insider sources say most likely referring to his Christmas card photo) is the reason for the early termination of his modeling contract. The explicit photo can be seen below. WARNING: Not suitable for young children. SCROLL DOWN FOR PICTURE

Apparently C28 wasn't too happy with the facial hair. They are strictly a clean cut organization (think Disney). Also, the tie and hat probably did not help things either. Oh yeah, and the cigar was probably his third strike. That's okay Brandon, it appears this based on your quote that you losing this contract hasn't affected your confidence.

Awww how cute. It's a joint Christmas card (wow Trent don't you think that's moving too fast? Oh that's right, you like 'em young). Sources close to The Big Knasty team owner report that Mr. Knapp is forced to go out in disguise due to the publicity he has received from the child sexual assault case that is about to go to trial. So the disguise might explain the hat, but the Hello Kitty tattoo on your left arm Trent? Come on. At least your girl has a matching one on her arm.

Trent's front office also released Trent's Christmas List for this year. Here it is as follows:

Trent's Christmas List

1. World Peace
2. Shooting stars
3. Eyelash wishes
4. More cute puppy calendars

Wow. I guess that's what happens when you enter into a relationship (Daniel beware). Hopefully Santa Butthead will see through that ruse and bring you a pair of balls...and a matching spine.

Well kids, that's all the time Santa Butthead has today. Make sure you're extra good between now and Christmas. Otherwise, Santa Butthead may be stopping by to take a poop under your tree.

The One with Burnsy's Debut

Riverside, CA (AP) - CBUburns owner Brandon Burns has decided to buck the male stereotypes and enter the exciting world of male modeling. Sources close to this Itstheleague.com owner seem to indicate that after watching Zoolander for the first time, Brandon decided to take a note from Derek Zoolander (apparently a longtime mentor to Burnsy) and throw his hat into the ring so to speak.

Spokesman for the CBUburns team Matilda Jeffries indicated that by beginning his career in the male modeling industry, Mr. Burns is not abandoning his team. "Brandon has indicated that his priority first and foremost is to his team. Male modeling will always come second to him."

Sources from around the male modeling industry seem to support the decision. Matthew Reyes, former Itstheleague.com walk off champion, supported this decision. Reports to reach Matt via his cell phone this afternoon failed. However, a text message was received from Matt Reyes said this, "fag." It is unclear if DreamTeamPartDeux owner was referring to Burnsy's decision because it's unclear if Matt was even aware of the decision at the time.

Other league sources indicate that Mr. Reyes may be bitter about the Itstheleague.com decision to remove the crown that Matt Reyes won during the first Itstheleague.com walkoff. Matt's profile outside of Itstheleague.com rose dramatically after his near flawless performance of Sisqo's "Thong Song." The video was featured on TRL this week landing at number nine on the day's top ten countdown.

However, earlier this week, after a hearing in front of Itstheleague.com commissioners Kevin Reyes (no relation to Matt) and Daniel Thomson, the league ruled in favor of Trent's action to strip Matt of his title. Trent sought a hearing in front of the commissioner panel based on allegations that the Sisqo uniform was removed from Mr. Bridges wardrobe on the night of the now infamous walkoff.

The unanimous decision handed down earlier this week awarded the title "Best Walkoff" to Mr. Bridges. The panel appeared to be particularly persuaded by evidence indicating that Trent's Plan B for the walkoff (in case it went into overtime) was to use the Sisqo outfit. An official crowning of Mr. Bridges as the winner for the first walkoff will occur at a function planned in honor of Mr. Bridges this Saturday.

Other potential cases the panel may be hearing later this week include the Itstheleague.com first option contract. Itstheleague.com General Counsel, Jeffrey Boyd Esq. (also former time Man of the Year for 2005), indicated that "the league is interested in working with any team owners who are interested in participating in trades that may not be straight up player for player trades." He went on to explain that it may be profitable for teams to make trades lasting for only a certain duration (a week to two weeks for example). In instances where teams may not match up the best, it may pay to have an extra three point shooter on your team. "Itstheleague.com is fully behind working with team owners in not only hammering out these trades, but it is also interested in handling any disputes that may arise from these trades."

Earlier today, the very first photo of Burnsy's first photo shoot was released online.

During an interview Brandon called this look "Blue Steel." Brandon said he also used La Tigre during the photo shoot. Brandon's male model agent (wow that sounds so gay) said that Mr. Burns is also working on blue steel.

I know what you're thinking. What comments will Boyd's Beat have on this picture? Well, there's a saying in latin called "res ipsa loquitor" or in English "the thing speaks for itself." I think this is the case here. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck....it's probably a new male model, or a "star player" on Trent Bridges team.

How will Mr. Burns new career impact the league? The long term affects are uncertain. But this writer fears that Kevin may have just earned one more vote for his Rainbow logo.

Rumors swirling around the league are that Daniel Thomson (who was earlier outed by this column as really being Kevin Federline) may be joining Mr. Burns in the gay modeling...I mean male modeling industry. Remember, if it happens, you heard it here first.

In other news, owners around the league have been worried about the health of owner Jeffrey Boyd. His posts have confused many leading Daniel Thomson, owner of Bangladesh Thunder (which is STILL in violation of an injunction issued by a trial court judge....Daniel's window of time during which he is legally allowed to appeal is quickly coming to a close....with damages at $1,000 a day, Lightning Jeff is looking to receive a nice Christmas present from Mr. Thomson) had this to say:

I rarely know what you are talking about Jeff. Thank you.
Thunder Dan

Worried for his sake friends and family searches his Malibu villa finding nothing but a giant clump of dirty clothes, law school notes from his first three finals, and pictures of Eva Longoria.

After searching his Riverside estate, rescue workers found Jeff in this sorry, pathetic state:




Doctors at Riverside Community Hospital were optimistic on Jeffrey Boyd's chances of recovery. Treating physician Dr. Wilcox made this statement:

Rescue workers found Jeffrey in a comatose state of shock. This shock was most likely a result of the stress he was under from the current matchup. Judging by the length of the stubble, Jeff stopped taking care of himself since the beginning of the week. Our workers were fortunate in being able to get to him in a quick manner. In the other room, police found a laptop with stat tracker pulled up. The 6-3 lead by Matt Reyes brought about by the double overtime Suns victory was prominently displayed on the screen. At the end of the game, Jeff's body went into a state of shock. Had the game gone into a third overtime, Jeff probably wouldn't be here today.

Doctors have indicated that Jeff Boyd will be back up on his feet in a matter of days. He'll be back up belting our karaoke hit after hit.



After that piss poor performance, let's just hope he's not the one singing at the end of this week.

Remember to take care of yourselves, and your starters.