The One With the Mid-season Awards--WCS Style

Riverside, CA (AP) - With the All-Star Weekend fading softly in the past, the Itsthelegaue.com franchise owners gathered together for a celebration of their own--the mid-season awards. Many award shows celebrate the players for their contributions to their respective teams. But this award show, celebrates the owners. Those colorful personalities that make the league what it is. People may be familiar with an owner like Mark Cuban, but the interesting, eccentric personalities of the Itstheleague.com franchise owners make Cuban look like a five-year-old spoiled child.

Tonight's show features color commentary by Matt Reyes and Jeffrey Boyd.

Jeffrey Boyd: Good evening Itstheleague.com fans and welcome to what is sure to be an exciting evening.

Matt Reyes: It's Oscar night!

Jeffrey Boyd: No Matt. We're here for the Itstheleague.com awards.

Matt Reyes: I think this is the year Martin Scorsese finally wins for Best Director.

Jeffrey Boyd: Ahem....

Matt Reyes: Oh right. Damn. My agent told me I was covering the biggest awards show of the season.

Jeffrey Boyd: Trust me Matt. This will be far bigger than any trophy the Academy will be giving out.

Matt Reyes: Cool. Alright well fans we are here to give out a whole slew of awards to the various Itstheleague.com owners.

Jeffrey Boyd: Prior to tonight's broadcast, several awards have been already been given out.

Matt Reyes: For those of you watching at home, we'd like to go over one of those for you now. Player Most Likely to Be a Girl goes to.....Carmelo Anthony for his sucked punch

Jeffrey Boyd: More like sucker slap

Matt Reyes: and resulting retreat from the pursuing fight.

Jeffrey Boyd: That wasn't a real shocker Matt. Some would argue that he had a lock on this before the rumble in the Bronx.

Matt Reyes: The next award is the Worst Decision by the NBA. Clearly the frontrunners in this category are the New Ball and All Star Game in Las Vegas.

Jeffrey Boyd: I'm going with the longshot here--Toni Braxton as halftime entertainment for the All Star Game.

Matt Reyes: Really? I loved Toni Braxton.

Jeffrey Boyd: Yes Matt. I finally learned what the hell happened to Mike Tyson's high pitched voice--God swapped Toni Braxton and Mike Tyson's voice. The only thing deeper than Braxton is the growing list of Anna Nicole Smith's baby's daddies.

Matt Reyes: Regardless of what you think, the award does to the new ball. Nice work David Stern.

Jeffrey Boyd: Another award already given out was the Most Likely to Father Anna Nicole Smith's Baby. The award went to Trent.....Knapp. Despite the fact that earlier this season we found out that Trent likes them young, Trent was a shoe in for this category.

Matt Reyes: I thought I'd have a shot for this.

Jeffrey Boyd: No Matt, you're blond is Jessica Simpson.

Matt Reyes: Right, right.

Jeffrey Boyd: Well that raps up our pre-show coverage. You won't find any red carpet bullshit here.

Matt Reyes: Let's head inside shall we.

Jeffrey Boyd: In the luxorious Reyes Theater (aka Reyes Garage), there are plenty of seating for all 12 owners and all one spectator (it alternates between George and Mary Anne depending on how loud we are). This site has hosted such events as Itstheleague.com Baseball drafts, beer pong matches, and several World Series of Poker championships.

Matt Reyes: Before this building's existence, this was also the site of the old Reyes swing set.

Jeffrey Boyd: Rumors still circulate surrounding why the swing set was gone and this building erected in its place. Could this be where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

Matt Reyes: Moving on. Well it looks like we're about to get started here folks. So hang on to your hat, because it's Oscar night!

Jeffrey Boyd: No it's Itstheleague.com award night.

Matt Reyes: Oh tight.

Kevin Reyes: Ladies and mostly gentlemen, it is a great pleasure and honor to host tonight's event. This evening has been almost four and a half years in the making. What began as simply a way to waste time in Mr. Ludwig's classroom has turned into a multi-million dollar industry. This year marked a new high with the amount of corporate sponsorships our league has received. Companies like Google are beginning to realize the potential this league has to reach people across the world.

Along those lines, the league is proud to announce several other corporate sponsorships. While these awards won't be given out until next year, under the agreements just reached, I can announce them now. The new awards for the 2008 season will include the Tampax Period player of the game (a huge honor given once every ten years to the best player of that time period), the Vagasil Whiner of the year (given by the league's commissioner(s) to the most difficult owner of the season), and the Oscar Mayer Weiner (pronounced Wee-ner) award (given to the league's winner).

With Vagasil's permission, that award has already been awarded, post humously (even though he's not dead but past his days in the league) to Mike Duarte, for his efforts last season. Congratulations Duarte on being named Vagasil Whiner of the Year. Your prize is a one year stock of Vagasil. Remember, for those hard to deal with people in your life, think Vagasil.

Matt Reyes: And to think of how much I contributed to that.

Kevin Reyes: And now, onto the rest of the categories. Each award here represents something special to the league. While I wish I could only give one award to each owner here tonight, there are some owners whose contributions this season clearly need to be highlighted in more than one category.

Moving along, the first Izzle given out tonight....

Matt Reyes: Izzle? IZZLE?

Jeffrey Boyd: Yeah, Snoop Dogg is a sponsor of the awards this year. He originally wanted the awards to be called "Fo' Izzle my nizzle" but the league compromised.

Matthew Reyes: Well, I'll be damned.

Kevin Reyes: Ahem....the first Izzle given out tonight is for Biggest Bust of the year.

Matt Reyes: My personal favorite for this category is Jessica Simpson. Man oh man. Just look at that bust.

Jeffrey Boyd: Yes, Matt I agree, but Biggest Bust out of the fantasy owners.

Matt Reyes: Oh well in that case, it's a tossup between Michael Boyd and Trent Bridges. With the amount of smack talk that has spewed out of both of their mouths, the race should be between these two. Let's listen in.

Kevin Reyes: And the Izzle for Biggest Bust of the Year goes to Michael Boyd.

Jeffrey Boyd: And this really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. While Trent has talked a big game, this was his first time in basketball. With no proven track record, the expectations simply weren't there. If he didn't make the playoffs, he didn't make the playoffs. With Michael who is one of the perennial powerhouses, his performance this season has been a bust.

Matt Reyes: Boyd Blows.

Kevin Reyes: Next on the list of Izzles is Male Model/Owner. Note this award is given out to the best Model converted owner as opposed to best Owner turned Model. The coveted award, dubiously nicknamed "slashie" goes to Brandon Burns.

Jeffrey Boyd: I can't say I saw that one coming. I thought for sure Matt either yourself or Trent Bridges would have clinched this for sure.

Matt Reyes: That's true. It's that damn Burnsy....he's so hot right now!

Brandon Burns (Burns makes his way from his seat in the audience up to the podium): Thank you, thank you. What this slashie means is that you consider me the best model slash owner and not the other way around.

Jeffrey Boyd: Yes Burns. I do consider you a male model first, owner and manager second.

Kevin Reyes: Our next award is Most Number of Arrests.

Matt Reyes: Alright, finally a category I'm going to win.

Jeffrey Boyd: Yes you were arrested for trying to poison me.

Matt Reyes: Yeah and stop bitching about it. I served my time.

Jeffrey Boyd: No, you still owe me two karaoke songs.

Matt Reyes: Point noted.

Kevin Reyes: And the Izzle goes to....Matt Reyes!

Kevin Reyes: Matt Reyes receives this award for his attempted poisoning of Jeffrey Boyd earlier this year. While Trent Knapp was also arrested for his love of little kids, the prosecution could not proceed with the case as their star witness (the little 13 year old girl) was still dating Trent at the time of his trial. Sorry Trent, better luck next year.

Jeffrey Boyd: You know, I'm surprised with Cody's reputation that he wasn't more active in his pursuit of this award this year.

Matt Reyes: That's true Jeff. I had higher aspirations for Cody. Maybe baseball season?

Kevin Reyes: Moving right along....our next category is Best Performance.

Matt Reyes: You know, I was really hoping they would split up this award into best karaoke and best lip singing.

Jeffrey Boyd: You just wanted another Izzle.

Matt Reyes: 'Fo Shizzle.

Kevin Reyes: This award encompasses both karaoke and lip singing performances. This is a special this year. And unfortunately for those whose only skill might be karaoke, I'm looking at you Jeff, the awards committee has decided to hold off on this award until after itstheleague.com karaoke night. The sole entries for the award will occur that night. So gentlemen, warm up your vocal cords as you prepare to razzle and dazzle the rest of the league.

Jeffrey Boyd: Son of a bitch! I was a shoe in!

Matt Reyes: Dude, I was Sisqo.

Jeffrey Boyd: And you lost that contest man. Don't you think the same thing would have happened tonight?

Matt Reyes: Bite me.

Kevin Reyes: Our next category is Best Facial Hair. We might as well rename this Izzle the Lightning Jeff award because it clearly goes to him. Nice work Jeff. Look forward to seeing those in person at some point.

Jeffrey Boyd: I'd like to thank my dad. He could never grow facial hair. And to Michael and Steven who also suffered the same fate as my dad. This is for you guys!

(Big screen flashes to an expose on "Lightning Jeff")

Narrator: And your inspiration for this?

Lightning Jeff: I like to think of the beard as a blank canvas. The only limit is my imagination.

Narrator: Any future pieces of art that you are working on?

Lightning Jeff: I'm thinking skull and crossbones? Or maybe just my initials.

(Big screen goes blank)

Matt Reyes: Well congratulations Jeff.

Jeffrey Boyd: Thanks man. Alright next up is Best Team Name.

Matt Reyes: I know I have quite a few fans with my new Team Name--The STEAM Machine.

Jeffrey Boyd: That I am Matt. You know, you can never have too many team names that have to deal with forces of nature. I'm waiting to see the first "Hurricane Katrina" or "El Nino." But nothing yet.

Matt Reyes: I could see someone also giving this a political bent with maybe a little "Global Warming."

Jeffrey Boyd: True true. But Global Warming doesn't really have the sudden urgency that the rest of the team names imply. Global Warming takes many many years to take effect. It'd be like calling your team "Chinese Water Torture" or something.

Kevn Reyes: The Izzle for Best Team Name goes to.....

(drum roll ensues)

(Matt gets nervous...and then holds Jeff hands)

(Jeff backhands Matt)

Kevin Reyes:....Daniel Thomson for Bangladesh Thunder!!!!!


(Daniel makes his way from his seat to the podium)

(Jeff pulls out his phone and dialing his attorney)

Daniel Thomson: Wow there are just so many people to thank. I definitely didn't think I'd win this award tonight.

(Daniel pulls out a piece of paper on which he's written a speech)

(Big guys in suits with a piece of paper rush the stage)

Big Guy #1: This is a court order seizing this Izzle. This court order says that you ignored an earlier ruling made by an US Federal Judge requiring you to change your team name and pay damages to Mr. Boyd.

Jeffrey Boyd: Wow I didn't see this coming at all.

(Jeff finishes call with attorney and hangs up phone)

Matt Reyes: Me neither. My, what powerful attorneys you have.

Jeffrey Boyd: All the better to sue Daniel with.

Daniel Thomson: This is a travesty! A miscarriage of justice! Where's my lawyer!

(Johnny Cochran's ghost (because remember Johnny Cochran is dead) appears)

Johnny Cochran's ghost: Here try this glove on.

(Daniel tries white glove on which oddly resembles a glove Michael Jackson has worn)

Daniel Thomson: It doesn't fit.

Johnny Cochran's ghost: And if the glove doesn't fit you must acquit!

Kevin Reyes: Umm...Mr. Cochran's ghost...this is an award's show. There isn't a jury.

Johnny Cochran's ghost: A black man can never get a fair trial in...uhh...where are we?

Daniel Thomson: (whispers) Riverside.

Johnny Cochran: Riverside!

Kevin Reyes: Mr. Cochran's ghost, your client is white.

Johnny Cochran's ghost: (to Daniel Thomson) Man why the hell you hire me.

(Johnny Cochran's ghost vanishes)

Kevin Reyes: Alrighty then....moving right along. Our next Izzle is for Biggest Surprise. This award goes to the biggest surprise of the year. It could be given to an owner, a trade, a player, a team, or an act of stupidity.

Jeffrey Boyd: The crowd favorite for hear is the Trent Knapp statue pose as seen here.


Matt Reyes: That may be the crowd favorite, but my own personal favorite are the lightning bolts by Jeff. The awards committee has already shown they like those by giving you the Izzle for Best Facial Hair.

Jeffrey Boyd: True, but what was my competition? Michael? I think Brandon Burns has a good shot here for his male modeling gig.

Matt Reyes: Please, who didn't see THAT coming. I mean, I saw how jealous he was after being left out of the Itstheleague.com walkoff. He was just dying to get into this industry.

Kevin Reyes: And the Izzle goes to.....Matt Nichols!

(Matt Nichols begins to make his way to the podium)

Matt Reyes: That was a dark horse.

(Big screen flashes the following picture)


Matt Nichols: I'd just like to take this opportunity to draw everyone's attention to a cause that I've taken up. Bass fishing is a wonderful sport. With the recent influx of cash to Itstheleague.com created by the league expansion this year along with the corporate sponsors that have been lining up to give money to the league, I think you guys should sponsor my boat. Thank you to my stylist, my personal shopper for the shoulderless top in this picture, and my facial hair stylist for his work on my soul patch. It finally feels good to win!

Kevin Reyes: Umm...we won't be sponsoring your boat. I'm sorry.

Matt Reyes: Did he just say stylist?

Jeffrey Boyd: Did he just say personal shopper?

Matt Reyes: Maybe he's campagining for the next award?

Jeffrey Boyd: That's right.

Kevin Reyes: Style, fashion, and sports. Prior to this season, sports would never be seen with fashion and style. But this next award showcases those who are dragging the league "somewhere over the rainbow." The next Izzle to be presented is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Matt Reyes: I think Nichols may have a shot with that picture I saw.

Jeffrey Boyd: I actually think our emcee, host, and your little brother may have a good shot here.

Matt Reyes: Really? For what?

Jeffrey Boyd: Umm...hello? Gay Days at Disneyland? And who could forget that rainbow logo he came up with.

Matt Reyes: That's right. Wow, that should have locked him up for this category. Alright, let's go to Kevin for the results.

Kevin Reyes: And the Queer Eye for The Straight Guy Award...again the award is named this because of our corporate sponsor...guess who that would be? You got it. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy....and the award goes to....

(drum roll ensures)

Kevin Reyes....Trent Knapp!

Matt Reyes: Wow, what could Trent Knapp have possibly done to be awarded this? He's already been awarded most likely to have fathered Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I thought that would exclude him from winning this.

Jeffrey Boyd: Remember the tight pants incident?

Matt Reyes: Oh that's right. Wow. For the folks at home who may not be familiar with it, here they are:

(Trent Knapp makes his way to the podium)

Trent Knapp (clealy intoxicated): U know what Iz thinks about your award. I think this.

(Trent unzips his fly and does this)

Matt Reyes: Wow.

Jeffrey Boyd: Wow.

Kevin Reyes: Wow.

Matt Reyes: Well...I doubt one of the fab five would ever do that.

Jeffrey Boyd: Fab five? What the hell?

Matt Reyes: You know, the fab five from the show. There's the fashion one, the grooming one...

Jeffrey Boyd: Well folks it appears this award should have gone to Matt Reyes. Matt, I'm ashamed.

Matt Reyes: I'm sorry Jeff. I ran out of 24 episodes to watch.

Kevin Reyes: Next up on tonight's Izzle slate is worst poster.

Jeffrey Boyd: Matt Nichols has to be a shoe-in for this category. With his incoherent, half-intelligble posts, this category has his name written all over it.

Matt Reyes: I'm going to have to agree with you on this one Jeff.

Jeffrey Boyd: You're just saying that so I don't bring up that fab five comment you made again.

Matt Reyes: That is correct Jeff.

Kevin Reyes: And the Izzle goes to......Alfredo Ramos!

(Alfredo isn't present to accept his award)

Jeffrey Boyd: Well it appears the awards committee feels that no posts are worse than a Nichols post.

Matt Reyes: I absolutely agree with them on this. An active owner is certainly preferred in this league which is quite active in terms of fantasy leagues. And please, who isn't surprised that he didn't make it to this event.

Kevin Reyes: Itsthelegaue.com has close ties to the WCS Schools seeing as how every member of the league is an alum. Due to our close relationship with WCS, I will be petitioning Mr. Burdett to publish our league results in the alumni newsletter twice a year. Additionally, what would a season's award ceremony be without these three--MVP, Most Inspirational, and the Coach's Award.

This year's MVP Izzle goes to Cody Schumacher.

(Cody makes his way to the podium)

Cody Schumacher: Thank you. Thank you. This award is for all the naysayers who didn't believe in me. Who thought that I couldn't put together a team with Lebron James. Go Snakes!

Jeffrey Boyd: Umm...isn't Lebron James on my team?

Matt Reyes: Yeah, he is. Hmm...this is odd. And those snakes. Yeesh. There's only one thing I hate more than cats and dogs.

Jeffrey Boyd: What's that?

Matt Reyes: Snakes.

Jeffrey Boyd: Why's that?

Matt Reyes: Well, I can bark at dogs and they get scared. I can bark at cats and they get scared.

Jeffrey Boyd: What if you bark at a snake?

Matt Reyes: It hisses at me.

Jeffrey Boyd: I see. That sucks. I'm sorry dude.

Kevin Reyes: And our next Izzle is for Most Inspirational. This award goes to the owner in the league whose performance and attitude is inspirational to us all.

Matt Reyes: Itstheleague.com fans have dubbed this the serious award as its the only award the awards committee actually takes seriously.

Kevin Reyes: And the Izzle goes to........Steven Rojas.

(Rojas makes his way to the podium)

Steven Rojas: Wow guys, this does mean alot to me. It's nice to know that even though I'm not in contention, I'm still in the thoughts of the awards committee. Thank you.

Jeffrey Boyd: Well this award is quite fitting. With his service in the armed services, Steven truly is an inspiration for the rest of us who sit on our asses. Kudos to you Steven.

Kevin Reyes: And now it's time for the final Izzle of the night--the Coach's Award. This award goes to the person who makes an all around contribution to the league. They may not be in first place, but their presence is felt on and off the post board. This year's winner of the Coach's Award is....

(drum roll ensues)

Kevin Reyes....Trent Bridges!

(Trent makes his way to the podium)

Kevin Reyes: The awards committee picked Trent based on his all around contributions to the league. Be it his take on who should have won Around the Horn, whether or not Pippen will play again, or whose team he's most scared of, Trent has shown that he is a solid addition to the league. While his team may not be that much of a threat this year, no one will argue that Bridges has arrives to the league without the adequate knowledge. Congratulations Trent.

Trent Bridges: I'd like to thank Cody for screwing me over by taking Lebron. This award is for you. I'm coming for your ass in baseball. You best look out!

Jeffrey Boyd: What a night here for all of tonight's award winners.

Matt Reyes: Yes indeed. Congratulations to all of tonight's Izzle recipients. It's about time for us to go. But remember, Itstheleague.com is here for all your fantasy needs. Be it a fantasy baseball league, or a fantasy night with Jessica Simpson. Remember our slogan: Just cause it's illegal, doesn't mean we won't do it.

Jeffrey Boyd: We'll have to thank league spokesman Trent Knapp for coming up with that quote that he muttered on his way to jail after his arrest for dating that little girl.

Matt Reyes: Until next time they decide to trust Jeff and myself with a mic, I'm Matt Reyes, Tiffani Amber Thiessen fan, Jessica Simpson worshipper, and American Idol follower.

Jeffrey Boyd: And I'm Jeff Boyd--the only one in the league to have the CTU phone ring as his ringtone. Good night.